Separation Anxiety isn’t about time

First in a series of three guest blogs by Stephie Guy

For years, separation anxiety has been treated as a problem of time. You’ll have heard the standard advice:

• Pick up your keys until they mean nothing
  
• Open and close the door until it’s boring
  
• Practise leaving for 10 seconds, then 20, then 30
  
• Gradually build up the absences
  

On paper, it sounds logical. It feels neat, structured, and reassuring. It gives caregivers a plan to follow, a sense that they’re doing the “right” thing.

But in real life, it so often falls apart. Families come back exhausted, demoralised, and wondering what they’ve done wrong. And the truth is, they haven’t done anything wrong. This tidy, linear approach simply doesn’t reflect the complexity of dogs or the reality of their lives.

It’s not really about minutes on the clock

When we call separation anxiety a “timing” problem, we shrink it down into something it’s not. We treat it as if distress is just a matter of more drills, more steps, more increments.

I’ve worked with so many dedicated families who’ve followed these plans to the letter. They’ve done the repetitions, they’ve set timers, they’ve tried and tried again. And still, their dog hasn’t settled.

What looks like a problem of “time apart” is nearly always a problem of what lies underneath.

Think of an iceberg

I often describe separation anxiety as an iceberg.

Above the waterline are the obvious behaviours - barking, howling, chewing, toileting indoors, frantic pacing. These are easy to see, impossible to ignore, and deeply upsetting for everyone involved. They’re the tip of the iceberg that drives people to seek help.

But beneath the surface lies the real story. A dog struggling with separation might be living with:

• Pain or discomfort that makes rest difficult
  
• Gut issues that leave them unsettled
  
• Poor or broken sleep that leaves them exhausted before the day even starts
  
• Sound sensitivities that keep them on constant alert
  
• Trauma, whether from early life or more recent experiences
  
• Chronic stress that never seems to let up
  
• Insecure attachment or fear of loss
  
• A lack of choice and agency in daily life
  
• Caregivers’ own anxiety, which dogs are exquisitely sensitive to
  

These roots aren’t always obvious, but they shape every visible behaviour. If we only focus on the part above the waterline, we’ll miss what’s truly driving the distress. And that’s why endless key-picking and door-shutting don’t work. They never reach the deeper layers.

One simple truth

Here’s a principle I come back to again and again.

If a dog can’t cope with everyday life when you’re home, they’re not ready to cope when you’re gone.

It sounds obvious, but it changes everything. Instead of focusing on stopwatch timings, we start by asking: How does this dog feel in their daily world? What do they need to feel safe, supported, and steady while their people are right there with them?

Once those foundations are in place, being alone becomes something a dog can manage as a natural step forward. Not something drilled into them, but something they’re genuinely ready for.

Where we’re going next

This is the first in a short series where I’ll share how I approach separation anxiety differently.

• Next time, we’ll look more closely at what’s beneath the surface, and I’ll introduce the idea of the readiness web. This is where everything starts to make sense for families, because they can see how all the strands connect.
  
• After that, we’ll explore why repetition so often backfires, and how working with ACE principles gives us a framework for building lasting resilience.
  

My aim in this series is to show you a different way of thinking about separation anxiety. It’s not about piling on more drills. It’s about building a dog’s sense of comfort, confidence, and safety. Because when those needs are met, being alone isn’t an impossible mountain to climb. It’s just part of life.

Stephie Guy is a separation anxiety specialist and trauma-informed dog behaviour consultant, and the creator of the SAfe approach - Support, Awareness, Facilitation, Exploration. She is on a mission to change how the world understands so-called “difficult” dogs, showing that their behaviour is communication, not disobedience. Follow her at https://www.facebook.com/SAfeWithStephie.